Thursday, December 12, 2013

Learn to Fly Bonus Chapter!!!

400 likes! Here you go! This is a deleted chapter that comes before the epilogue in Learn to Fly. If you haven't read Learn to Fly yet, this is full of all kinds of spoilers. It's also full of some pretty heavy teasers for book 2 (In Your Honor). The link should open the document in google drive. Let me know if you have any issues with seeing it and I'll try something else.

LTF Bonus Chapter

Sunday, December 8, 2013

Bonus Scene from Learn to Fly!!

This is a deleted scene from the middle of Learn to Fly. It takes place over the Christmas break while Lenny id home with Duke and her family. I hope you enjoy it :)

   Carl parked his old Ford towards the back of the winding driveway. He looked through the windshield at the large, sprawling farmhouse and grimaced. What was he thinking? He couldn't spend Christmas with his ex-girlfriend and her whole family.
   He hadn't even taken the key out the ignition yet and was seriously considering turning the car back on and hightailing it out of there. But then, a large orange and red formation behind the house caught his eye. He let out a disgusted sigh and climbed out of his vehicle. Kicking the door closed behind him, he stomped up the gravel drive towards the backyard.
   The weather was unseasonably warm for New England and Carl was glad he wasn't fighting snow and ice as he trudged around the corner. When the full size of the bounce house came into view Carl let out a snort. Would they ever grow up or were they destined to always be children?
   “Carl!” Harrison had spotted him from inside the bounce house. His brown, curly hair was already sweaty from his activity. “Get in here!”
   “No!” Carl snapped, “You idiots get out of that thing! What the hell is wrong with you? If Miranda gets here and you have this thing up she's going to kill both of you!”
   “Oh, she won't care that much! C'mon, Carl, let us have some fun.” Harrison slowly bounced to the opening and pouted at Carl.
   “No, get out of there! You know how dangerous she thinks that thing is. Are you trying to ruin the whole holiday?” Carl felt his palms getting itchy and he reached into his pocket for his smokes but then remembered he'd left them home. One more thing Miranda would have freaked out about.
   “She needs to lighten up, we're adults now.” Blake called from inside the vinyl and nylon structure.
   “Adults in a friggen bounce house!” Carl waved his hands in the air and brought them down on his head. Even on his week off, he was still herding these hooligans. He closed his eyes trying to think of a solution to their ridiculous behavior.
   Carl didn't understand a lot of things. He had no idea why Harrison and Blake had bought this thing years ago but he suspected that Miranda hating it was the main reason. He also didn't know why Miranda hated it so much. She just always had. She would go into an all out tirade on the dangers and perils of being in a bounce house and all the negative side affects that bouncing in an unsafe structure for prolonged periods of time would cause. It would ruin the whole day. And if she knew that Carl had known about it she would blame him as an accomplice. And that meant they probably wouldn't be getting back together.
   Carl wasn't even sure if reconciling with Miranda was what he wanted to do but he wanted that option. He sure as hell didn't want his one opportunity blown by these two dipshits.
   He strode over to the blower, intent on shutting it down.
   “We'll just blow it back up, Carl. Why don't you let your hair down and try to have some fun for once.” Blake heckled as he and Harrison giggled from the inside.
   Carl paused and rethought his plan. He reached around to his side and unclasped the button on the holster of his buck knife. Unfolding the blade, he made a deep puncture in the side of the house, dragging the knife all the way to the end. The air rushed out, blowing against his face. Then he reached over and shut off the blower.
   He suppressed his satisfied smile as Harrison and Blake scrambled from the rapidly deflating bounce house. They stood in silent shock as their silly endeavor lost it's life right in front of them.
   Finally, they turned to go back indoors. Harrison hung his head in sorrow and defeat, Blake patted him on the shoulder in consolation. As they walked past Carl, Blake turned towards him, giving his manager an icy stare.
  "I hope you know you just ruined Christmas."

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Thursday, November 21, 2013

The One Where I Talk About Dave Grohl. Again.

If you know me, even but at all, then you know how much I love Dave Grohl. Okay, maybe not how much. Because even I am not sure how much I love him. A whole heck of a lot. And probably more. But you at least know that I do, in fact, love him. Some might even speculate that he inspired the very idea of Double Blind Study and to some extent he did. Someday I may tell y'all the real story behind where DBS came from, but today is not that day. No, today, I'm talking about Dave Grohl. 

I just have to share with you one of the most inspiring things I have ever experienced. I was in the middle of revising Learn to Fly and beginning the rough draft for In Your Honor and I was completely discouraged. I thought about throwing the whole thing in the trash and walking away. Forget this writer business, I suck. And then my friend, Emily (who is one the most amazing people alive), sent me this link because she knows how much I love Dave. She also loves Dave. We understand one another deeply in this area. Changed my whole perspective. Now, when I'm doubting myself or feel like I've lost focus, I come back to this. Yes, it's lengthy. And yes, he says all the swear words. But if you're an artist of any kind and need to be inspired, I haven't found anything that even remotely compares.

Monday, November 4, 2013

Update on Mike's Story

Okay, so here's the deal. I was working really hard on the rough for book 3 and it kept getting more and more out of control.  Around chapter 6 I started to feel like this wasn't working. It was getting too big, too much was happening. But at the same time, there was so much more that needed to be added.  So I set it aside for a week and worked exclusively on revisions for book 2.  Solved the problem. But it kind of made a bigger one.

I have to divide what was originally going to be book 3 into two separate stories.  It's the only way to give both of them the attention they deserve. There is some good news to this. One of them will only be a novella, book 2.5 if you will. It will have elements of book 3 in it to set the stage, but this way book 3 can be as intricate and crazy as it needs to be. 

I didn't want to do it. I fought the characters all over the place.  But the problem with creating dynamic characters is you really can't phone it in, you know?  They have these enormous personalities and they demand to be heard.

So on to the bad news. I know that, like, ALL of you are waiting anxiously for Mike's story, it's going to take me a bit longer.  He'll get book 3 all to himself and he won't be forced to share which what I had going on in the beginning. You'll like it better this way.  And I can't tell you who 2.5 is about (spoilers) until book 2 comes out.  After that, I think everything will make sense to you.

Book 2 is slated for a February 8 release. I should be able to have an idea for a release for 2.5 and 3 at that time. 

So, you hate me yet?

Thursday, October 31, 2013

Harder to Breathe

My brain is nearly worthless. So I'm sorry if we're having a conversation and I go slack jawed and stare off into space.  It's because I'm so deep inside book 2, it takes a monumental effort to rejoin real life and become a functioning piece of society again.

Sometimes I'm going over a chapter and I think to myself, "Brilliant! Amazing! So much angst and tension! You're the best, Heiders!" (Yes, I call myself, Heiders in my head and only occasionally out loud.) 

But then I get to the next paragraph and I say, "No. I'm the worst. This is shit. Pure feces. You're not a writer, Heidi Rae. You're just bad." (I call myself by my middle name when I'm disappointed in myself, ask my co-workers.)

It's torturous. Feel bad for my betas and my editors. They have to put up with so much more than you ever will know about. >insert threat about the burn pile here>

But truly, In Your Honor is the greatest thing I have ever written. Though if you look up to the third paragraph you realize that's not very good.  I still want to share it with you.  And I want you to tell me if you hate it. And how much you hate it. And if it ended up in your burn pile. But what if it's the greatest thing ever?! But it won't be. Because I wrote it.


Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Serial Returners AKA Jerks

This is mostly just me venting about something I had no idea was even an issue until recently.  Serial Returners. Or Pirates. Or as I call them, thieves.

Apparently it happens frequently and often.  Someone downloads a book on amazon or nook or something, they read it, then they return it for a full refund.  They don't give a reason, they don't leave a review that says, "I really hated this book because it went against everything I believe in." Or, "This was poorly written and I felt ripped off." They just quietly hit the return button and get their money back only to do it to someone else.

Maybe it's all my years of working in the restaurant industry but i feel like if a customer is so dissatisfied with their purchase that they are demanding their money be returned then at the very least, they should have to give a reason. Teenagers tried to pull crap like that all the time. They'd come in, order some bread sticks, eat the whole bag and then ask for their money back.  "What was wrong with the product? You ate all of it."  The response was usually, "I didn't like it." With which I would offer to remake it and they usually jumped at the chance to eat more bread, as long as it was free.

This leads me to believe that the policy, The Customer is Always Right, has been incredibly abused and misused.  And as a result, we have a generation of people who think it's okay to rip off a business. A product costs money to make.  It takes time and usually several different people before it reaches the consumer.  So when the consumer doesn't fulfill their end of the deal, and doesn't pay for the product they received, but only consumes, the lasting affects can be devastating.

Some businesses simply can't afford to absorb the selfish impulses of those who won't be responsible for thier decisions. It's starts with price hikes, employee layoffs and eventually business closure. What's weird is that there are provisions put in place for people who can't afford different things.  Can't afford to a buy 12 new books a week but you love to read? Public Library.  Music is your heart and soul but it's too darn spendy? Radio anyone?

Really, nothing can be done. It's irritating and it's a a problem but there's no way to get people to be decent human beings.  It's a personal choice. We can blame parents, society and too much sex and violence on TV if you want. But it really comes down to personal responsibility. We all have to make our own choices.  And I, for one, have never asked for my money back for food I've eaten, music I've listen to, clothes I've worn to a single event, or books I've read. Even if the end result didn't sit well with me. That's the risk you take when you purchase something. It's the same type of risk the artist takes when they release their work for the public to dismantle.  Have some respect for that kind of bravery.

Saturday, September 28, 2013

I've never been to Huntington Beach

I have too many tabs open on my browser. I keep getting confused. Such is my life as I write a new story. I'm constantly checking, double-checking and then forgetting and re-checking facts, ideas, words, locations, etc. It's as frustrating as it is exciting. 

I have no idea why my characters have to be involved in sports, activities and ways of life that I know nothing about. I'm sure that if they could all make pizzas and have fairly predictable phobias, I'd be able to write their stories in no time.  But that's not who they are, now is it?

Rock stars, snowboarders, and now adding surfers, physical therapists and...wait for it...sculptors. Whaaaat? Seriously. This is my life now. These characters have got me all turned around.


Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Not even the flu can stop me

I finally finished going through LTF line by line, correcting the typographical errors.  Took me almost two weeks. But the final revision has been uploaded to Kindle and I feel like I can relax just a bit.  But not really.  

Mike's story is itching at the tips of my fingers. I'm free to work on book 3 now, tentatively titled Up In Arms.  I want to finish the rough for this one before beginning hardcore revisions on book 2.  I've already chosen my soundtrack and I can see many days ahead of me sitting on the front porch during Bear's nap time listening to the Foo Fighters album 'There Is Nothing Left To Lose.' I'm sure more songs will get added to the playlist as I go, they always do.  But the beginning is usually centered around one, simple feeling that a particular album evokes.

I have no idea how long the rough for book 3 will take me. Hopefully not too long.  But Mike is complicated and kind of tragic. It might go quickly, like book 2 did.  The moment I become emotionally invested in my characters, I type like a maniac to find out what happens next.  And 4 chapters into book 3, it happened.  So...shouldn't be long now.

Book 2. *le sigh* Blake's story, In Your Honor, is my absolute favorite thing ever. I really can't wait to share it with you. I probably shouldn't like it as much as I do.  But I really can't stop. I need to get a move on so I can do revisions and get it released. Does January sound good to you?

Saturday, September 21, 2013

September Saturday

So what comes next? What happens now that I've released Luke and Lenny's story to the world? Well, for starters, Blake has some things he really needs to share. I've completed the rough of his book and I will begin first round revisions on it shortly. But I have also begun the rough of book 3 which will concentrate on Mike (and some others you'll probably recognize.) 

It's weird. When I sat down to write Learn To Fly, I had no intention of publishing.  I didn't even know if I would finish writing it.  Now, I have so many storyline's swirling through my head, I'm not sure I'll ever find the time to write them all down. But I'm definitely going to try.

Here's hoping y'all stick around to see what comes next.  Book 2 is titled In Your Honor and it's my favorite so far. I love the characters and the story moves me like I never expected. I can't wait to share it with you!

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Learn To Fly Playlist

I listen to a lot of music while I write. A lot of what I listen to is reflected in the story and in the characters which is why I name my chapters.  Out of the hundreds of songs that helped inspire this story, I narrowed down the most important ones that correlate with the chapters. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do :)

you can purchase Learn To Fly here!

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Tuesday Teaser #6 (LTF)

This week's teaser is the LAST one before Learn to Fly goes live! I'm giving you a big one this week, the whole prologue!


Cologne, Germany
Two years ago
Luke rubbed his eyes, trying to clear the aggravation and exhaustion from his head simultaneously. His mind raced with flashes and images of the previous six months, compiling a staggering montage of lights, music, chicks, booze, fights, landmarks, more booze, plane flights, brawls, interviews, parties and even more booze.
This isn't how it's supposed to happen.” He realized his words were probably a waste in the quiet hospital room. It didn't matter. He had some things he needed to get off his chest and Mike was the only one he told things to. Ever.
We were gonna become mega rock stars and see the world, remember that? We had a deal. We promised we wouldn't do all the stereotypical bull crap that so many who'd gone before us did. We were smarter than that.”
He sighed heavily and ground his teeth together at the lack of argument that came from the still figure in the bed. Luke would prefer a straight out brawl to the steady sound of the ventilator and gentle beeping of the bedside monitor.
He wished Mike would defend himself. Shout and yell, give him an excuse or explanation. But the soft hum of the machines keeping him alive was the only response.
The past twenty-fours had been the worst kind of wake-up call Luke had ever received. He'd been at a bar with Blake, ignoring Carl's incessant cellphone harassment. All while his best friend and drummer had been rushed to a local hospital for a drug overdose. By the time Carl got through to them, Mike was already in a coma.
No one knew what Mike had taken, but Luke suspected it was heroin. The toxicologist would know soon enough. The real question, the one that had Luke's stomach tied into a thousand and one knots, was whether or not Mike had done it on purpose.
You can't die.” Luke said sternly, his hands raking back his dirty blonde hair. “I need you to wake up so I can kick your ass.”
He should have seen this coming. He knew Mike was upset. He had been for most of the tour but Luke was too busy having...a good time. He didn't want to get weighed down by Mike's sour disposition. So he had started avoiding him. Ignoring him.
I'm sorry,” his voice cracked as emotion filled his throat. “I should have been there. I would've stopped you.”
But that was a lie. Luke had spent the majority of the tour completely wasted, he wouldn't have known what to do at all. It was a miracle that Carl, their ever-loyal tour manager, had checked on Mike on a hunch. And it still might not have been in time.
Seriously, wake up.” Luke said again, swallowing hard. “I don't know what happened with Ilsa and I don't know where we go after all of this but I promise...I promise you won't go through it alone. And I promise I'll be the brother to you that you always were for me.”
Hot tears dripped down Luke's face. “But you can't die...You just can't.”

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Tuesday Teaser #5 (LTF)

Today's teaser is coming a little late. It's just a small one. But along with the teaser is the song that, for me, is Luke's theme. I can't hear it without thinking of him.

Very few times in Luke's life did he know exactly what step he was supposed to take. He usually guessed wrong and had to go back and try again. His past was filled with apologies, misunderstandings and broken fences that no one could mend. Not this time. Not with this moment.

Watch this video!

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Tuesday Teaser #4 (LTF)

It's Tuesday so time for another small teaser! I know y'all have been holding your breath. Just kidding ;)

I like it,” Mike looked to Lenny for approval.
Hey, I’m just the assistant. You don’t need my permission.” She held up her hands to show she wasn’t protesting.
I don’t know man,” Sway began, “I really hate that girl. I don't want to sleep in the same vehicle as her. What if she tries to molest me?”
Gross, Sway. Gross.” Lenny frowned in disgust and Luke smiled at how cute she looked when she was correcting Sway. Like she was still shocked by some of the things he said.
But it might be fun to make her miserable,” Blake pointed out.
We could go on a shower strike like last time,” Harrison suggested.
Yes!” Blake snapped his fingers and pointed at Harrison. “That! We’re doing it.”
Lenny closed her eyes and rubbed her forehead with her fingertips, “Oh, geez.”
Sorry, mama. But we did promise you the full ‘Rock Star’ experience, smelly guys and all,” Sway grinned at her.

Sunday, August 25, 2013

By The Way

Just because someone doesn't post their every problem or difficulty online doesn't mean they aren't having a tough time of it. Not everyone feels obligated to share their personal struggles with the internet at large.  But it's pretty safe to assume that everyone is going through something, whether obvious or not.  Struggles come in all varieties.  Some choose to make it the world's business because they want someone else to take the reins and own the responsibilities (and they enjoy the attention that complaining brings them). While some suffer quietly, content to invoke lasting change in their lives as they own their choices. 

So which would you rather be, a complainer or a changer?

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Tuesday Teaser #3 (LTF)

Third teaser from Learn to Fly! Starting to get really nervous now. I hope I don't chicken out and bail on the whole thing. 

Hey,” she greeted casually, “what’s up?”
Carl strode across the room without saying anything. It was obvious from his behavior that he was looking for something. He scowled at Lenny, surveying her appearance and that of the yet to be used bed. The persistent frown on his face relaxed somewhat.
What’s going on, Carl?” Lenny tried again, but she already knew the answer.
I wanted to check to see if you were alright,” he lied.
No, you wanted to see if I was alone.” Lenny corrected and the corner of her mouth pulled up into a half-smile as she shook her head. She crossed her arms and leaned against the closed door.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Tuesday Teaser #2 (LTF)

Another small snippet from Learn To Fly!

      “We look out for each other. Some of us don’t know our weaknesses as well our friends do. You need someone to watch your six.” He turned his stunning blue eyes on Lenny, “You know what I mean?”
     Lenny nodded her head even as an electric current ripped through her body. She knew exactly what he meant but she couldn’t speak for a moment as her voice had gotten stuck in her throat while she had been busy trying to figure out exactly what shade of blue Luke Casey’s eyes were. 

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Learn to Fly TEASER #1

Learn to Fly is on the horizon for publishing.  So close I can hardly believe it.  So here is a short teaser from the book to hopefully get you excited!

This job might be a little…unconventional for you,” Jerry began, searching for the right words, trying to be delicate. “It’s long days, long nights, hard physical labor and you’d be on the road constantly.” His eyes skittered around his desk and his hands straightened his pen, then his name plate, then his pen again.
Is it because I'm a chick?” She asked, seeing the slight break in his serious demeanor and his eyes flicked to Carl.
Carl slouched back in his chair and rubbed his chin with his fingertips. “No, it's 'cause you're pretty.”
Lenny felt her mouth tug up slightly on one side. She could see him measuring her, gauging her reaction, testing her. So she remained silent.
Carl studied her quiet reaction for a long while. But it was Jerry who asked the next question. “What makes you think that being an assistant is where you'”
I'm organized, I work hard and I have nothing keeping me in town,” she answered honestly. “I'm not afraid of dirt and sweat and I know I can do the job well.”

Saturday, July 13, 2013

Cap: my superhero, my superlove

I call my husband Cap. Or Captain. Or Captain Awesome. Or Captain America.

His name in my phone is Cap. Has been for years.  When I call it to his face he chuckles at me, like it's silly to him.

It started right immediately after I saw the movie Captain America.  I'll try to explain why, coherently and briefly.

Because throughout the entire movie, I kept thinking that the guy reminded me of someone.  Someone I knew well.  It wasn't until nearly the end when I looked over at my husband and realized that I was married to Steve Rogers or Captain America, whatever you want to call him.  The demeanor, the character, the bravery, the devastating jaw line...

So, yeah, I feel like I'm married to a superhero.  And I don't even feel bad about it.  He's humble, brilliant, strong and complex.  And the longer we're together and the better I get to know him, the more crazy in love with him I become.

Friday, July 12, 2013

Closer Everyday

The rough for IYH has been finished for a little more than a week.  I have so many ideas and plot lines for book 3 swirling through my head it's really all i can do to not get started on it.  I'm taking notes, building a playlist, trying desperately to not get distracted.

I need to finish LTF first.  I need to do the final edits and get it all put together.  Photo shoot on Tuesday for the cover. I really can't wait to immerse myself back into the Luke and Lenny storyline.  I've been away from them for so long, I definitely feel fresh going into it.

As such, I need to finish setting up the office upstairs.  So i guess i have a few more things to check off the list before I go completely crazy.

I'm really excited to complete it and get it out there.  I want to share it with y'all.  It's not the kind of story that will change the world but it has completely changed mine.  

Thinking of all the people who have come along side of me during this endeavor makes my heart happy.  Can't wait to write my thank you page.  Y'all have been an inspiration for me.

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Poetry when chapters come slowly


this is a public domain photo, the credit is not to me.
forever it does
it comes down to one
one more breath
one more taste
one more question
one more race
one more pause
one more reason
one more lie
one more season
it beats us and shames us
hurts us and blames us
repeating it's line
short and concise


at the end of the day
when the walls fade away
all the remains
every painful refrain


Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Oh, Happiness!

"Where rescue is found, so will be found the best 'expressers and communicators' we humans have. Art seems to be one of those things. We were created in such a way that music erupts from us when we are squeezed. Whether it is a violent wringing or love's embrace, song drips out. So sing with all your might. Paint with fury. Write words noisy with color. Dance. Dance until we can see your soul. Let remembering squeeze you, then go get a bucket to catch the drippings." - David Crowder
The above quote is from David Crowder's book Praise Habit: Finding God in Sunsets and Sushi.  It's an excellent book and truly recommend everyone ever read it. I'm on my fourth time through.  My poor little copy is so marked up and highlighted I may need to buy a new one and start over.
 I guess the above quote really stood out to me today because of the Bear Man.  He is always singing, dancing, creating music constantly.  He has a song in his heart at all times and I find myself simply watching him as he celebrates life.  The joy the erupts from him in every day activities is so pure and perfect that it startles me back to the right way of thinking. 
 The act of creating art happens naturally with him.  He doesn't over think it, he isn't embarrassed about it, it just pours out of him.  His praise to the Creator is automatic and unreserved.  And I wonder at what age do we stop praising and start worrying?  At what age do we begin to forget where we came from? The innocence of his faith, the simplicity of his devotion, the purity of his love...Bear seems to remember quite clearly where he came from and he reminds me everyday.

Thursday, June 20, 2013

The Frug

I completed an outline for book 2. I'm pretty proud of myself.  I hate outlines and they were usually the only thing that I had points taken off in school because I was so very bad at them.  but I did one anyway. and I'm very pleased because the writing is flying along now.  The rough draft is nearly complete and then the next stage is revisions.  And we all know how I abhor revisions :)

this book, to me, is so much better than the first one.  and I am excited to share it with all y'all. 

also, i am hungry.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Rapid Hope Loss

So this one time i had a bunch of friends.  Like most teenagers, I'm sure.  But it felt special to me.  Like, they were the only people who knew me and I finally fit in.  But i was 15 and a dummy.  apparently I pissed one of them off.  And so she did the thing to do when you're a sophomore in high school: she spread a bunch of rumors about me.

this isn't really anything new, i could be telling you the storyline of an after school special from the 90's.  but, unfortunatley, it was my reality. the worst thing, in my mind, happened; i lost 98% of my friends and a lot of those rumors still hang around my life.

fast forward 15 years.  i'm thirty now. I have a hard time opening up and getting to know people because of my crippling fear of abandonment and distrust.  i guess i never settled those issues years ago. no matter. i'm 30, high school is over.  i survived and lived to tell the tale. I've made some friends again. it's all very new and exciting.  I feel like i fit in.

but a calender doesn't dictate maturity. and some people never leave high school. deja vu doesn't even cover it. i feel like i'm watching history repeat itself and there's nothing i can do to prevent it.

 i live a fairly clean life. i don't have secrets, they're too heavy to carry so I just as soon not pick them up. of course there are things i need to work on and improve, i'm human, it's a process. but that's not what this is about. this is about the realization i came to this week.

the truth doesn't always come out. people like lies.  they think they're tasty and they suck the marrow out of the bones of it before they move on to the next one. if they hurt someone on their way, too bad, not their fault.

and now i'm left with a sunk reputation and friends abandoning ship like i'm a White Star Line monstrosity. I've believed for years that eventually the truth will come out and the lies will die.  They don't.  This is a fallen and corrupt world where the Deceiver is king and the Truth will come at a later date.

until then, I have to tolerate my broken heart and the bump on my butt from having the rug pulled out from under me. Again.

Here's my advise.  Stop assuming.  it never ends well. if you have a question, ask, don't make something up.  Gossip, lies, slander, misunderstanding, miscommunication...most of these things stem from fear and insecurity.  grow a spine, own your shit and come clean. don't make someone else the reason you're so unhappy.  it won't solve the problem. 

Thursday, March 21, 2013

An Ode To Maybe

Time for a new blog. I was working on revisions and Third Eye Blind's Blue album ended up on my playlist and caused distraction beyond measure.  Love this album.

Having a hard time getting any really work done on the story this week.  I think it's because I have to write the parts that I skipped over during my first two drafts. (Yup, this is the third draft, I have issues.) What did i skip over? Um, the drama. I hit the highlights and the important things that i needed to address to keep the story moving but I didn't get into the gritty ickies. And now I have to. I know what's going to happen and what's going to be said, I just don't like it. it gives me heartburn. but not like, i need pepcid kind of heartburn. like my heart actually feels like it's burning in my chest and i keep drinking ice water non stop because i'm afraid my lungs are suffocating on heartsmoke. crazy? tell me something I don't know.

oh yeah, and i hurt my knee this week and had to skip leg day. sad face.

Eventually, I'll just buckle down and write it. And it'll be awesome. Because it's awesome in my head. One thing that has helped is examining Cody's motives. Writing from her POV has been eye opening. thanks to the brilliance of my sister, she's the one who talked me into it. made everything else make sense. you know what else will be fun? Shane's POV. oh Shane. I think I'm the only one who really loves you. and i can't wait to spend more time in that beautiful head of yours.

Speaking of more time, oh boy, I need to really work on my studio. It's officially spring so it needs to happen soon. I will will post progress pictures here as i work on it. it's going to be amazing. dreams coming true.

Friday, February 22, 2013

Sun Come Through

Fair Warning: I may have had too much coffee today. Granted, I didn't go to sleep til after 2am and I've been up since 6 o'clock. I kept having these stress induced dreams where i was fighting Ashton James in a rooftop in Phoenix.  I think it's because I wasn't happy with chapter 6 and Ashton gets under my skin.  And I could be a little nervous about the Celtics game in Phoenix tonight.  I shouldn't be, it's irrelevant.  I already know they're going to lose. The Celtics, that is. 

So I tried to go back to sleep but I really wanted to get up and rework chapter 6  like no other.  I finally did.  Still not all that happy with it but it's a little better.  And then of course the's so delicious. I have no regrets.

I had some awesome conversations last night. You know who you are.  It became very apparent to me that I am exactly where I'm supposed to be. Again. I usually use my blog as a place of total transparency but I feel the need to withhold just a tiny bit. Just know this, the last few days have solidified my disbelief in coincidence. doesn't exist, it's a mythical creature.  God's purpose and plan is the ultimate everything and I love knowing that I'm a part of it.

"I found a light to light my way home."

Carry on.

Friday, February 15, 2013

Liars and Their Stink

I'm having a bad day.  And I don't want to go into the details of said day but I will take this moment to vent on a subject that has been bothering me.


Seriously, "I'll read yours if you read mine" is such a load of crap.  Literal crap.  I have had to read the worst things in the last few days as I whore myself out for some kind of feedback on my novel.  I have been tricked into reading countless weird teen drama and horribly horribly written, craptastic, self indulging, graphic, over the top One Direction fanfic.  I mean, really? One Direction?  Are they still a thing? But the deal has been made, comment for comment.  So i read this awful drivel, leave my polite feedback and then I wait. And wait.  No one reads mine. No one.

Why am I reducing myself to this?  Why am i wasting precious hours of writing time on liars and their stinkiness?  Why? Why? Why?  Oh yeah, because I have exactly 2 readers for my story and I need more.  Because I am a selfish, self obsessed writer who will stop at nothing to get freaking feedback.

Let's face it, I'm the stinkiest of them all.

Monday, February 11, 2013

Does Pain Sell Better?

Writing a novel is hard you guys.  I know that sounds pretty pathetic, especially when my 'novel' is actually a springy romantic comedy with quirky supporting characters staring the most popular blonde of the moment (I'm thinking Kate Hudson is getting older so I've moved onto Jennifer Lawrence.  But I will always picture Yvonne as my Lenny...sigh).  And it's not the story that's hard.  I have the story all locked in, it's the time and the patience and the rewrites and the lack of interest and blah blah blah.

I have a tiny following on fictionpress so that's highly encouraging.  If any of you wanted to check out what I have so far you can look me up by my pen name: Chosenbyfaith.

In a fit of discouragement this weekend i posted a short story that i wrote a few months back.  My little followers went bonkers.  I was getting love letters in private messages about how moving it was.  How much it affected them.  How incredibly emotional it must have been to write.  And they would be correct.  It was an emotional piece. at the time. But then i wrote it and i felt better.  it was really the first time that I'd shared a writing that personal with strangers.

that leads me to believe that perhaps I'm not getting as strong of a reaction to Collide because it's mostly fun for me to write and not painful.  maybe my writing is really only good when it hurts my heart to put down on paper.  so many thoughts...

so, gentle readers, as a special gift, here is the link to my short story. let me know what you think.
Colder Weather

Friday, February 1, 2013

New Way Home

Hey all, serious post warning. Just a few things I'm working through and I wanted to write it down. Feel free to move on, no jokes today.

I have struggled with my weight for years.  Typically for girls, it started in middle school and all through high school.  But events occurred that kept me in a repetitive, self abusing cycle that made me heavier and more unhealthy.  I feel like I've broken out of a lot of those thoughts and traps but sometimes reminders creep in and I find myself discouraged.

the super bowl brings the worst of it to the surface. those closet to me know this. i try not to tell people too much because as soon as they find out that i was involved in a sexual assault they have one of two reactions: they either A) roll their eyes and assume i'm trying to get attention. which pisses me off because how many girls don't ever report it because their scared no one will believe them? ( i could rant on this subject all day long. rape done by an acquaintance or in my case a boyfriend, happens all the time and should NOT be swept under the rug.) or B) they start using kid gloves and tiptoeing around me, like i'm fragile.  well guess what? i'm not. I'm not a frickn victim. I'm a survivor.

But i internalized everything for a long time. years. i blamed myself. it was my fault. i deserved it.  as soon as i would start to climb out of that hole of self hatred someone would push a trigger and send me spiraling right back into it.  thoughtless things, tossed around. like the violation was somehow something i wanted. people can be cruel without even knowing what kind of damage they're doing to another.

 and then i gained 100 pounds. no joke. it's taken a lot of hard work, both physical and emotional, for me to feel healthy again. i'm not there yet, i'm still in progress. but i did something a few months ago that i needed to do and it pushed me to the next level. i forgave him. it sounds weird, right? i'm not saying i'm okay with what happened or what he did. it was wrong and evil. but that's not for me to dwell on anymore. i was only punishing myself. he had no idea. i doubt he even thinks about it. he never thought he did anything wrong.

the things that hurt the most was the disbelief. it's part of me, it's something i went through and it changed me. and i lost friends over it because they thought i was making it up. they accused me of just trying to trash his reputation. and i was the one labeled a whore. the worst part? I believed them.

I have some new friends now. friends that remind me that i'm strong. it's one of the reasons i got my tattoo. i know my parents don't approve and that's fine. i got it for me. i got it after completing one of the hardest programs of my life. i lost 23 pounds (down a total of 55 from my heaviest) and never gave up. for the first time ever. i finished something important to me. the eagle feather is to remind me to stay brave. the word Everlong is from a Foo Fighters song. if you know the song and my story, you would know the significance. "and i wonder, when i sing along with you, if everything could feel this real forever, if anything could ever be this good again. the only thing i'll ever ask of you: you gotta promise not to stop when i say when."  It's probably not as moving to you as it is to me. no matter. it was a major life changing thing and i wanted it recorded. because i tend to forget and then i regress. I don't want to do that anymore.

my journey isn't over. i still have another 50 pounds to go but i'm not giving up. not this time. never again.

so, happy super bowl to everyone. i will be staying home and watching it with my fellas. i can watch it now without flashbacks. but it's still a tender thing. Charles continues to help me build new memories. stronger memories. like i said, i'm NOT a victim. i refuse to be. i survived.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Revisions with Tea

Good Evening Gentle Readers,
I have been rather busy as of late and haven't had time to wash my hair let alone work on chapter revisions.  However, as crazy as my life is, I have many new ideas that I hope to begin applying to my story.  I'm going to work on writing in a tiny crossover from my sister's current novel.  That idea spawned another which actually gave me tinglies in my stomach area.

Should I tell you what it is? Okay.  Sway and E will have their own story! EEEP!  My sister and I will colab on it and I am so excited I hope I can sleep tonight.  It's unfortunate that my life is so busy because who knows when I'll have time to actually work on it.  First I have to finish Collide, then Blake has some things to get off his chest.  And y'all haven't even met Eve yet.  Then I can work on Sway.

That brings me to another project on my mind.  My studio.  I want to work on it so bad! I need space.  To be creative!  Arg!.....  I'm feeling very priratey apparently.....But i have a Bear who refuses to take naps randomly, three jobs, my passion for fitness and there is ALWAYS more laundry to do.

Okay, I have a few minutes before I HAVE to go to bed.  Chapter 4 revisions are in my sights.  As well as another cup pf chamomile tea.

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Things to ponder at night #1

Women fall in love without permission. We all do it. And then we walk around all bewildered as to why he doesn't love us back. Maybe a good course of action would be to state our intentions up front. Like this:

Woman: Hello, I am about ready to unreasonably and irrevocably fall tail over tea kettle in love with you. This is your only warning.

Man: thank you for the heads up! *leaves man shaped hole in door*

Then the woman can move on without confusion. It would solve a lot of problems. Just my solution.

Friday, January 18, 2013

Finding the next step

I have this list of steps.  The things I need to do in order to be considered an author.  But it's pretty boring.  And I'd much rather be writing.  I mean, isn't that what authors do?

So this is on the list.  Start a blog.  Alright, blog started.

I'm the worst at keeping blogs.  I have at least three out there that I haven't even checked into in like a year.  You know why?  Because I'm boring.  And no one wants to waste their time reading my boring ass blogs.

Can I swear on this? I sure hope so...cause it's totally happening.

So, gentle readers, what would you like me to blog about?  How about how much I think, dream and plan about my story.  Seriously, guys, seriously. Guys.  All the time.  I can't wait to start part 2 of this endeavor.  Blake's story is going to be soooo much fun.  And then I was thinking about giving Shane his own story.  I mean, the guy has stuff to share, am I right?

*sigh* okay, that's enough for the moment.  I'm supposed to be working on chapter 4 revisions but there is this damn list distracting me.  And then there's the internet as well. This is going to be a long night.