Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Oh, Happiness!

"Where rescue is found, so will be found the best 'expressers and communicators' we humans have. Art seems to be one of those things. We were created in such a way that music erupts from us when we are squeezed. Whether it is a violent wringing or love's embrace, song drips out. So sing with all your might. Paint with fury. Write words noisy with color. Dance. Dance until we can see your soul. Let remembering squeeze you, then go get a bucket to catch the drippings." - David Crowder
The above quote is from David Crowder's book Praise Habit: Finding God in Sunsets and Sushi.  It's an excellent book and truly recommend everyone ever read it. I'm on my fourth time through.  My poor little copy is so marked up and highlighted I may need to buy a new one and start over.
 I guess the above quote really stood out to me today because of the Bear Man.  He is always singing, dancing, creating music constantly.  He has a song in his heart at all times and I find myself simply watching him as he celebrates life.  The joy the erupts from him in every day activities is so pure and perfect that it startles me back to the right way of thinking. 
 The act of creating art happens naturally with him.  He doesn't over think it, he isn't embarrassed about it, it just pours out of him.  His praise to the Creator is automatic and unreserved.  And I wonder at what age do we stop praising and start worrying?  At what age do we begin to forget where we came from? The innocence of his faith, the simplicity of his devotion, the purity of his love...Bear seems to remember quite clearly where he came from and he reminds me everyday.

Thursday, June 20, 2013

The Frug

I completed an outline for book 2. I'm pretty proud of myself.  I hate outlines and they were usually the only thing that I had points taken off in school because I was so very bad at them.  but I did one anyway. and I'm very pleased because the writing is flying along now.  The rough draft is nearly complete and then the next stage is revisions.  And we all know how I abhor revisions :)

this book, to me, is so much better than the first one.  and I am excited to share it with all y'all. 

also, i am hungry.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Rapid Hope Loss

So this one time i had a bunch of friends.  Like most teenagers, I'm sure.  But it felt special to me.  Like, they were the only people who knew me and I finally fit in.  But i was 15 and a dummy.  apparently I pissed one of them off.  And so she did the thing to do when you're a sophomore in high school: she spread a bunch of rumors about me.

this isn't really anything new, i could be telling you the storyline of an after school special from the 90's.  but, unfortunatley, it was my reality. the worst thing, in my mind, happened; i lost 98% of my friends and a lot of those rumors still hang around my life.

fast forward 15 years.  i'm thirty now. I have a hard time opening up and getting to know people because of my crippling fear of abandonment and distrust.  i guess i never settled those issues years ago. no matter. i'm 30, high school is over.  i survived and lived to tell the tale. I've made some friends again. it's all very new and exciting.  I feel like i fit in.

but a calender doesn't dictate maturity. and some people never leave high school. deja vu doesn't even cover it. i feel like i'm watching history repeat itself and there's nothing i can do to prevent it.

 i live a fairly clean life. i don't have secrets, they're too heavy to carry so I just as soon not pick them up. of course there are things i need to work on and improve, i'm human, it's a process. but that's not what this is about. this is about the realization i came to this week.

the truth doesn't always come out. people like lies.  they think they're tasty and they suck the marrow out of the bones of it before they move on to the next one. if they hurt someone on their way, too bad, not their fault.

and now i'm left with a sunk reputation and friends abandoning ship like i'm a White Star Line monstrosity. I've believed for years that eventually the truth will come out and the lies will die.  They don't.  This is a fallen and corrupt world where the Deceiver is king and the Truth will come at a later date.

until then, I have to tolerate my broken heart and the bump on my butt from having the rug pulled out from under me. Again.

Here's my advise.  Stop assuming.  it never ends well. if you have a question, ask, don't make something up.  Gossip, lies, slander, misunderstanding, miscommunication...most of these things stem from fear and insecurity.  grow a spine, own your shit and come clean. don't make someone else the reason you're so unhappy.  it won't solve the problem.