Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Rapid Hope Loss

So this one time i had a bunch of friends.  Like most teenagers, I'm sure.  But it felt special to me.  Like, they were the only people who knew me and I finally fit in.  But i was 15 and a dummy.  apparently I pissed one of them off.  And so she did the thing to do when you're a sophomore in high school: she spread a bunch of rumors about me.

this isn't really anything new, i could be telling you the storyline of an after school special from the 90's.  but, unfortunatley, it was my reality. the worst thing, in my mind, happened; i lost 98% of my friends and a lot of those rumors still hang around my life.

fast forward 15 years.  i'm thirty now. I have a hard time opening up and getting to know people because of my crippling fear of abandonment and distrust.  i guess i never settled those issues years ago. no matter. i'm 30, high school is over.  i survived and lived to tell the tale. I've made some friends again. it's all very new and exciting.  I feel like i fit in.

but a calender doesn't dictate maturity. and some people never leave high school. deja vu doesn't even cover it. i feel like i'm watching history repeat itself and there's nothing i can do to prevent it.

 i live a fairly clean life. i don't have secrets, they're too heavy to carry so I just as soon not pick them up. of course there are things i need to work on and improve, i'm human, it's a process. but that's not what this is about. this is about the realization i came to this week.

the truth doesn't always come out. people like lies.  they think they're tasty and they suck the marrow out of the bones of it before they move on to the next one. if they hurt someone on their way, too bad, not their fault.

and now i'm left with a sunk reputation and friends abandoning ship like i'm a White Star Line monstrosity. I've believed for years that eventually the truth will come out and the lies will die.  They don't.  This is a fallen and corrupt world where the Deceiver is king and the Truth will come at a later date.

until then, I have to tolerate my broken heart and the bump on my butt from having the rug pulled out from under me. Again.

Here's my advise.  Stop assuming.  it never ends well. if you have a question, ask, don't make something up.  Gossip, lies, slander, misunderstanding, miscommunication...most of these things stem from fear and insecurity.  grow a spine, own your shit and come clean. don't make someone else the reason you're so unhappy.  it won't solve the problem.