Cap: my superhero, my superlove

I call my husband Cap. Or Captain. Or Captain Awesome. Or Captain America.

His name in my phone is Cap. Has been for years.  When I call it to his face he chuckles at me, like it's silly to him.

It started right immediately after I saw the movie Captain America.  I'll try to explain why, coherently and briefly.

Because throughout the entire movie, I kept thinking that the guy reminded me of someone.  Someone I knew well.  It wasn't until nearly the end when I looked over at my husband and realized that I was married to Steve Rogers or Captain America, whatever you want to call him.  The demeanor, the character, the bravery, the devastating jaw line...

So, yeah, I feel like I'm married to a superhero.  And I don't even feel bad about it.  He's humble, brilliant, strong and complex.  And the longer we're together and the better I get to know him, the more crazy in love with him I become.

Closer Everyday

The rough for IYH has been finished for a little more than a week.  I have so many ideas and plot lines for book 3 swirling through my head it's really all i can do to not get started on it.  I'm taking notes, building a playlist, trying desperately to not get distracted.

I need to finish LTF first.  I need to do the final edits and get it all put together.  Photo shoot on Tuesday for the cover. I really can't wait to immerse myself back into the Luke and Lenny storyline.  I've been away from them for so long, I definitely feel fresh going into it.

As such, I need to finish setting up the office upstairs.  So i guess i have a few more things to check off the list before I go completely crazy.

I'm really excited to complete it and get it out there.  I want to share it with y'all.  It's not the kind of story that will change the world but it has completely changed mine.  

Thinking of all the people who have come along side of me during this endeavor makes my heart happy.  Can't wait to write my thank you page.  Y'all have been an inspiration for me.

Poetry when chapters come slowly

 One

this is a public domain photo, the credit is not to me.

forever it does

it comes down to one

one more breath

one more taste

one more question

one more race

one more pause

one more reason

one more lie

one more season

it beats us and shames us

hurts us and blames us

repeating it's line

short and concise

one

at the end of the day

when the walls fade away

all the remains

every painful refrain

one

Oh, Happiness!

"Where rescue is found, so will be found the best 'expressers and communicators' we humans have. Art seems to be one of those things. We were created in such a way that music erupts from us when we are squeezed. Whether it is a violent wringing or love's embrace, song drips out. So sing with all your might. Paint with fury. Write words noisy with color. Dance. Dance until we can see your soul. Let remembering squeeze you, then go get a bucket to catch the drippings." - David Crowder

 

The above quote is from David Crowder's book Praise Habit: Finding God in Sunsets and Sushi.  It's an excellent book and truly recommend everyone ever read it. I'm on my fourth time through.  My poor little copy is so marked up and highlighted I may need to buy a new one and start over.

 I guess the above quote really stood out to me today because of the Bear Man.  He is always singing, dancing, creating music constantly.  He has a song in his heart at all times and I find myself simply watching him as he celebrates life.  The joy the erupts from him in every day activities is so pure and perfect that it startles me back to the right way of thinking. 

 The act of creating art happens naturally with him.  He doesn't over think it, he isn't embarrassed about it, it just pours out of him.  His praise to the Creator is automatic and unreserved.  And I wonder at what age do we stop praising and start worrying?  At what age do we begin to forget where we came from? The innocence of his faith, the simplicity of his devotion, the purity of his love...Bear seems to remember quite clearly where he came from and he reminds me everyday.

The Frug

I completed an outline for book 2. I'm pretty proud of myself.  I hate outlines and they were usually the only thing that I had points taken off in school because I was so very bad at them.  but I did one anyway. and I'm very pleased because the writing is flying along now.  The rough draft is nearly complete and then the next stage is revisions.  And we all know how I abhor revisions :)

this book, to me, is so much better than the first one.  and I am excited to share it with all y'all. 

also, i am hungry.

Rapid Hope Loss

So this one time i had a bunch of friends.  Like most teenagers, I'm sure.  But it felt special to me.  Like, they were the only people who knew me and I finally fit in.  But i was 15 and a dummy.  apparently I pissed one of them off.  And so she did the thing to do when you're a sophomore in high school: she spread a bunch of rumors about me.

this isn't really anything new, i could be telling you the storyline of an after school special from the 90's.  but, unfortunatley, it was my reality. the worst thing, in my mind, happened; i lost 98% of my friends and a lot of those rumors still hang around my life.

fast forward 15 years.  i'm thirty now. I have a hard time opening up and getting to know people because of my crippling fear of abandonment and distrust.  i guess i never settled those issues years ago. no matter. i'm 30, high school is over.  i survived and lived to tell the tale. I've made some friends again. it's all very new and exciting.  I feel like i fit in.

but a calender doesn't dictate maturity. and some people never leave high school. deja vu doesn't even cover it. i feel like i'm watching history repeat itself and there's nothing i can do to prevent it.

 i live a fairly clean life. i don't have secrets, they're too heavy to carry so I just as soon not pick them up. of course there are things i need to work on and improve, i'm human, it's a process. but that's not what this is about. this is about the realization i came to this week.

the truth doesn't always come out. people like lies.  they think they're tasty and they suck the marrow out of the bones of it before they move on to the next one. if they hurt someone on their way, too bad, not their fault.

and now i'm left with a sunk reputation and friends abandoning ship like i'm a White Star Line monstrosity. I've believed for years that eventually the truth will come out and the lies will die.  They don't.  This is a fallen and corrupt world where the Deceiver is king and the Truth will come at a later date.

until then, I have to tolerate my broken heart and the bump on my butt from having the rug pulled out from under me. Again.

Here's my advise.  Stop assuming.  it never ends well. if you have a question, ask, don't make something up.  Gossip, lies, slander, misunderstanding, miscommunication...most of these things stem from fear and insecurity.  grow a spine, own your shit and come clean. don't make someone else the reason you're so unhappy.  it won't solve the problem. 

An Ode To Maybe

Time for a new blog. I was working on revisions and Third Eye Blind's Blue album ended up on my playlist and caused distraction beyond measure.  Love this album.

Having a hard time getting any really work done on the story this week.  I think it's because I have to write the parts that I skipped over during my first two drafts. (Yup, this is the third draft, I have issues.) What did i skip over? Um, the drama. I hit the highlights and the important things that i needed to address to keep the story moving but I didn't get into the gritty ickies. And now I have to. I know what's going to happen and what's going to be said, I just don't like it. it gives me heartburn. but not like, i need pepcid kind of heartburn. like my heart actually feels like it's burning in my chest and i keep drinking ice water non stop because i'm afraid my lungs are suffocating on heartsmoke. crazy? tell me something I don't know.

oh yeah, and i hurt my knee this week and had to skip leg day. sad face.

Eventually, I'll just buckle down and write it. And it'll be awesome. Because it's awesome in my head. One thing that has helped is examining Cody's motives. Writing from her POV has been eye opening. thanks to the brilliance of my sister, she's the one who talked me into it. made everything else make sense. you know what else will be fun? Shane's POV. oh Shane. I think I'm the only one who really loves you. and i can't wait to spend more time in that beautiful head of yours.

Speaking of more time, oh boy, I need to really work on my studio. It's officially spring so it needs to happen soon. I will will post progress pictures here as i work on it. it's going to be amazing. dreams coming true.